10 pages

I'm entering a competition tomorrow in which I submit 10 pages from my script. I've gone for these 10 because I hope they set up Lois and Toby and the tone is right. I may be wrong. Anyway, let me know what you think.

INT. CASA DEL HIPSTER-NIGHT
Case del Hipster is a cavernous ex-warehouse job with arches where DJs play various unexciting minimalist beats to people bopping their heads with studied nonchalance.

Lois is wearing red shoes, a red belt and a red hat. Toby is wearing a red T-shirt and a red sweatband.

No one else is wearing red.

They look around the room. Toby sees someone in a bright red shirt. They go over to him but when he turns, they don’t recognise him and have to shuffle away after an unfriendly look.

LOIS
Maybe, he’s not here yet.

Toby nods, not really hearing.

TOBY
He’s probably not here yet. Do you want a drink?

He makes the universal signal for a drink. Lois nods and gets her wallet out. Toby refuses it authoritatively. He goes up to the bar and tries to get served but he seems to be constantly beaten. Finally he has the barmaid in his sights. He’s definitely next. He’s practically at the bar. She turns to look at him.

TOBY (CONT'D)
Hi.

MAN (O.C.)
(to the barmaid)
Hello, two things: Firstly, you really are quite fantastically beautiful and red really suits you. Secondly, could I have two double vodka and tonics for myself and two beers and a shot of tequila for this gentleman to my right. Thank-you.

Toby looks to see SEB, 28, short, angrily handsome and with hair that indicates his generally frenetic manner. Seb is smiling at him with a cheesy eyebrow chucked in for good measure.

SEB
Red suits you too, by the way.

TOBY
Yeah, what was that about?

SEB
Just wanted to see who’s my bitch. And it’s you! Which is a surprise. Not the you being my bitch bit obviously but the fact you’re out and about. I mean what is this? Did the missus let you take your cojones out with you or are they back home doing the ironing.

The barmaid comes back with the drinks.

SEB (CONT'D)
Muchas gracias. Hasta mas tarde.

He gives her a big smile. She doesn't respond.

SEB (CONT'D)
Did you know Americans call what we’re doing right now double fisting? And they call them a prudish people.

TOBY
Actually I’m just having the one fist.

SEB
(disappointed)
Is Julie here?

Lois comes up to them.

LOIS
Hi Seb.

SEB
Ah, the landlady! Now this is good news. Come on two kisses, let’s get continental. And you’re wearing red as well! Two bitches! This is going to be a fine night. So what brings you two out from the suburbs on a Friday?

Lois looks at Toby. He looks down.

LOIS
My colleagues made me feel old today. I needed to prove them wrong.

SEB
Well you’ve come to the wrong place. I feel bloody ancient here. I thought no 21 years old had a job these days. What the hell they doing in an extortion racket like this? Any of your pupils here Toby?

TOBY
You do know I teach primary school?

SEB
Yes. Right, get that tequila down you.
Toby does so.

SEB (CONT'D)
And now the beer.

TOBY
I’m going to pace myself a little.

SEB
Nonsense, you’re probably going to have to head home at 11. Better get you in an embarrassing state before then.

TOBY
I don’t have to go home.

SEB
Really?

TOBY
Really.

SEB
And why’s that?

TOBY
Because she dumped me this afternoon. In 3B. Next to a paper mache dinosaur.

Seb hugs him. Beer goes everywhere.

SEB
You twat! Why didn’t you say? OK, we’re all getting properly trashed now. But not here. I’d probably end up being banned from going 100m from a school. Let’s go.

They down their drinks and follow him.

INT. BEDROOM-DAY
Lois wakes up. She has that moment when you realise you’re not in your own bed. This turns to concern when she sees the bed she’s in has black satin sheets. She turns over. Toby is sleeping there. She looks under the covers. They’re both still wearing their clothes from the night before. She looks around the room. She doesn’t recognise it.

TOBY
(not looking up)
Lois?

LOIS
(whispering)
Yeah?

TOBY
(not whispering)
What are we doing in Seb’s bed?

SEB (O.C.)
(from behind the door)
Right, unless you guys are having sex, I’m coming in 7,6,5,4,3,2

Toby makes a strange and pathetic SQUEAL. Seb opens the door.

SEB (CONT'D)
1! What was that?

TOBY
My fake sex noise.

There’s a moment of silence in the room.

SEB
I’m a little disturbed right now
(he gets over it)
So, I trust Sir and Madam had a good sleep. That the bed was to your satisfaction.

TOBY
Very nice. Thank-you, Jeeves.

SEB
Good because one wouldn’t want any discomfort. If one is too drunk to get a taxi in London, one must of course steal the bed of one’s host and let him squat on the sofa.

TOBY
Well, I for one, was hoping you’d join us.

LOIS
Can I use the shower, Seb? I’ll leave you boys to flirt in peace.

Seb nods.

INT. LIVING ROOM- DAY
Seb and Toby are playing a football video game while sitting on the sofa.

SEB
And he gets past him again. Leaves him for dead. And, OH YES!, Tune into radio Norfolk, because that, my friend, is the back of the net. Tell me, Toby, you must meet a lot of people who beat you; would you say I’m among the more gracious winners?

TOBY
You are aware you’re the only person I ever play computer games with?

SEB
Well what improving things do you normally do on a Saturday afternoon?

Beat.

TOBY
We’d watch Masterchef.

Seb gives Toby a hug.

SEB
I cannot believe I’m hugging someone who admits to watching Masterchef. So we’ve already found one good thing about this. No more thinking chopping onions makes good television.

Lois comes in.

LOIS
Seb, no man should have that good a hair dryer. Do you mind if I make myself some coffee?

SEB
I don’t have any coffee.

LOIS
What?

SEB
It’s not good for you that stuff. I treat my body like a temple.

TOBY
You did 4 tequila slammers in a row last night.

SEB
A temple to a Mexican god. Who likes to party.

LOIS
What do you have to drink?

SEB
Green Tea.

LOIS
I think I might have to go home. Toby, what time’s your cousin arriving.

TOBY
Oh fuck! He’s coming at 1pm. What’s the time now?

LOIS
12:30pm.

TOBY
Shit! I better go.
(to Seb)
Cheers fella.

SEB
Hug it out one more time, come on.

They hug. Seb gives him a serious look in the eye to makes sure Toby knows he’s there for him. Toby smiles at its slightly intense earnestness and then heads off.

EXT. STREET- DAY
Toby and Lois are marching down the street. Lois stops at the bus stop.

TOBY
What are you doing?

LOIS
I’m getting the bus. It’ll be faster.

TOBY
No, it won’t.

LOIS
It’s quicker, especially on a Saturday.

TOBY
I promise you it’s not.

LOIS
Race ya.

Toby pulls a face as if he’d never stoop to such juvenile behaviour. Then he starts running. Hard. Lois smiles and then she looks round. She can see the bus up the road. She feels pretty confident.

INT. TUBE STATION
Toby comes racing into the station, hands flailing as he gets his wallet out. He doesn’t touch the pad properly and hits the gate. Chastened, he carefully hits it and then starts running down the escalator.

EXT. STREET- DAY
Lois calmly beeps onto the bus and goes up the stairs to the top floor.

INT. TUBE PLATFORM
Toby comes down the escalator and sees the train at the platform. He flings himself through the doors and lands loudly. He smiles to himself about just making it.
He steadies himself and then realises the doors still haven’t shut. He quietly sits down. Then another guy does exactly what he did. But this time the doors do close straight after. The man looks really pleased with himself.

INT. BUS-DAY
Lois is on the top of the bus at the front looking out. The traffic in front of her doesn’t look good.

INT. TUBE CARRIAGE
The train is about to come into the platform. Toby is at the front. Someone next to him tries to get to the front but Toby moves his shoulder across to block him. Don’t even think about it.
The doors open and he bursts out and up the stairs.

EXT. BUS-DAY
The bus clears through some traffic and starts to pick up some speed. Lois nods approvingly. She looks at her watch.

INT. TRAIN STATION DAY
Toby runs onto the platform and looks at the ticker. 7 minutes. He’s dismayed.

EXT. BUS-DAY
The bus is going really slow now. Lois gives up. She gets off and runs.

INT. TRAIN PLATFORM-DAY
The train arrives. Toby get on.

INT. ANOTHER TRAIN PLATFORM.
Lois runs up the stairs as the train arrives. She goes to the correct carriage as the doors open. As they open, she sees Toby in front of her, smiling. She smiles back.

LOIS
I guess that counts as a draw.

INT. YET ANOTHER TRAIN PLATFORM-DAY
They both get off the train.

TOBY
You know given that I had to wait for my train, I don’t think it should count as a draw.

LOIS
No, I don’t think it counts as a draw.

TOBY
Really?

LOIS
Yep. First one to the house wins.

She kicks Toby in the bollocks and runs down the stairs. Toby reels.

EXT. STREET- DAY
Lois is running, broad smile on her face, looking behind to see if Toby is coming.

EXT. STREET- DAY

Lois gets to the turn off for their street when a taxi comes by and drops Toby off right next to her. Toby pays and gets out and runs. He nearly runs straight into MARK, 27, but looking much younger despite an attempt at growing a beard. Mark is laden down with two enormous bags and looks bewildered as Lois and then Toby speed past him.

Toby races ahead and just overtakes Lois as they get to the house. He collapses in a heap.

TOBY
(catching his breath)
You. Are not. Very ladylike.

LOIS
You took a bloody taxi!

TOBY
I was injured. I needed a runner.

LOIS
You know, I thought that guy with the bags might be your cousin.

TOBY
Yeah, I was wondering that.

LOIS
Don’t you know what he looks like?

TOBY
I know what he looked like at 13. I’m working on the principle that he might have changed. Well, he’s coming towards us.

Sure enough, Mark is slowly, slightly warily, coming towards them. He’s checking the numbers and realising that, indeed, the two strange running people are outside the house that he’s meant to be going to.

LOIS
(to Toby)
Say hello to him.

TOBY
What?

LOIS
Welcome him!

TOBY
What if it’s not him?

LOIS
What if it is?

Toby and Lois look at each other and then both at the same time.

TOBY/LOIS
You must be Mark!

If Mark wasn’t unsettled before, he is now.

MARK
Yes.

Comfest tweets

This competition is a great way of making you focus on a pitch for your ideas

You can only put in 3 and I'm not sure I put the right three in so I'm putting them all up here. What worries me is that the two that sound worst are the two I've written/am writing. I'm not sure if that's because I know them so well it's hard to make them a simple pitch or because they are less instrinsically funny. Anyway here are the 5. See if you can spot the two I've written and let me know which you think work.

Dave is invincible but he's weak, unfit cowardly, no sense of public service and doesn't want to leave godalming to be a superhero

Three mates always tell great stories about their mate jack except he doesn't exist at least not until he's invited to one of them's wedding

Two flatmates are dumped for being boring and then compete to teach a grown man who's been bedridden since he was 13 how to have fun

A 6yr old girl can get anyone to do what she asks as long as she says please. One cousin wants to use her to save the world, the other to get the girl.

An index lets people bet on their friends lovelives. Girl discovers all her friends have bet she's going to be single all year and she tries to find out why.

Born Romantic

Not a self-description (my great discovery of my mid-20s was that I'm not really, i just like Hollywood movies)

It's the name of a bad movie I watched on Monday on the old iplayer. I don't normally review stuff watched at home (I'd just end up getting behind on my reviews again) but I feel like this film is a useful failure from someone trying to do similar things to me.

Those things:

Make London a character like Paris and New York so often are

Be intelligently mainstream and romantic

Look at Londoners as I think of them- in their 20s/30s, mostly from elsewhere originally, not struggling but never going to look right in a Richard Curtis movie


And moreover I suspect it's weaknesses are similar to ones I can see myself making. I'll review it and then pick up on this.

It's got a very weak title sequence with unexciting scenes of that most exciting of dances, Salsa. It then produces its setup of three men pursuing three women all rotating around a salsa club in London. They are shepherded by a ubiquitous and all wise taxi driver played by Adrian lester who somehow manages not to be really annoying, something he deserves great credit for. There's also a poor Greek chorus of misogynistic cabbies which is trite and not worth talking about.

It's a confusing film to watch because I watched it saying to myself that if It wasn't any good I'd turn it off. Then some point after the first act I found myself saying 'this is good' and determined to keep watching it. From then on it was like watching the wheels slowly and safely come off. There was no car crash just the eventual realisation that it's not going to get you there.

So what was good? Catherine McCormack plays a neurotic weirdo who tends graves for those who can't get to them. It's a genuinely interesting idea and I think for the most part she plays her well. Highly highly neurotic but with a warmth and interest in others to go with her vulnerability

They play her off a puppy eyed idiot who steals for not very clear reasons. It's not because he's good at it. It's declared at the end that he's getting off the rush but he doesn't seem to succeed enough for that to be worth it. His one redeeming feature is that he takes care of his dad with alzheimers but he doesn't even seem to do that with much warmth.

And that's a little bit the problem throughout. The girls have very clear flaws in big type: one's neurotic, one's cold and rude and won't let anyone in, one's a massive slut hiding her pain in booze and blokes.

By contrast the flaws with the men are basically that they're not very impressive. One's a thief, one's a failed musician and one I'm not sure but he seems to have had some money now sinking with his ex wife and his decaying house. But the key problem is that they're idiots, obnoxious and apparently all they have to do to change is learn how to salsa.

It seems unequal and this is something I often find to be the case with rom-coms and something i worry might be the case with Advanced Fun.

I'm trying to figure out what Lois's flaws are. She's not very good at letting go, she likes things to be planned. But spontaneity isn't beyond her.

She fails to notice that Mark isn't loving the fun. She doesn't have any feminine intuition. Well certainly not more than Toby.

She's one for distracting from her problems- she thinks she's falling for her flatmate so she goes on a date. She thinks she's lonely so she goes on a quest for fun.

I'm not sure if that's enough. But I do know the flaws have to be the little ones people have, misjudgements, lapses in selfishness not a one liner like in born romantic.

Friends in films

Most films where the protagonist isn't taken completely away from their world, have minor supporting characters who are 'the friends'

The friends are not the cause of the protagonists problems. Jeremy Renner in The town is not a friend in the sense I'm talking here. He's clearly an antagonist.

Friends aren't the cause of the problems in the protaganist's life. Nor are they the solution.

They are there for a number of reasons. To add comic relief. To act as confidants when otherwise dilemmas would be too internalized. To show other sides of a lead's character. In TV they often have counterpoint stories which act as a foil or contrast to the lead's story.

And sometimes they're there because you feel a need to make it clear that the lead has friends. I've just written a scene which essentially does this. I've never had much else I've wanted them to do so they get a scene like this. It's like those dreadful scenes in Bridget Jones with the friends but at least they're essentially a Greek chorus of her neuroses.

It's a romantic comedy which I'm trying to have each lead relatively equally focused on. Yet the lack of real friends for Lois, the female lead, makes it feel lopsided. She has some sort of sidekicks but the point of them is that they're not her friends. They're younger.

Her friends are starting to drift into a different life stage (her best friend Beth has a kid). So from a plot point of view she has sidekicks in Vicky and Tabitha but they are not confidants in the same way that Seb is for Toby.

So the way I see it there a three possibilities:

Don't worry about it. Make the script lean and get people along for the ride so they don't stop and go where are Lois's friends

Have the scene but make it very funny and watchable

Make sure Lois has a genuine friend and thread her through so she has an important role to play.