Advanced Fun script

This is the main sequence of the first act of a feature I"m working on at the moment. It explains the pitch but also I hope the tone of the piece and something of the characters. Would be interested in any comments.

INT. PUB- DAY
Toby, Lois and Mark are in the corner of the pub. They’re two drinks in and definitely feeling it. Toby is intently watching the football.

TOBY
Oh come on! You fat Geordie... aargh.

Mark and Lois look at each other and smile. Mark drops his smile and asks a question that has been bothering him.

MARK
Is it OK that we haven’t bought a pint since the start of the game?

LOIS
(bemused)
Yeah.

MARK
They don’t think you’re taking the piss not to buy one for 40 minutes.

LOIS
Don’t think so.

Mark nods, considering this.

TOBY
(to the TV)
Oh come on!

MARK
He’s too isolated at the moment. He needs the fullback to give him more support.

COMMENTATOR ON THE TV (O.S.)
The fullback needs to support him more. At the moment he’s just completely isolated.

Lois looks at him, amused.

LOIS
You should be a commentator. Do you play football?

MARK
Not since I was little. I wasn’t able to after that. I don’t know if Toby has told you about my illness?

Toby starts paying attention.

LOIS
A little bit.

MARK
I had chronic fatigue syndrome. For a long time. It took me ages to finish school. And I couldn’t do anything else really. Barely left the house. But I’m feeling better now. I realised I have done for a while. So now, I want to have some fun.

LOIS
Well, cheers to that.

Lois raises her glass but Mark doesn’t. He hasn’t finished yet.

MARK
The thing is: I don’t know how to.

He looks at Lois for a reaction. She’s listening, understanding. Toby is less sure.

MARK (CONT'D)
Today is the third time I’ve ever been to the pub and the first time not for lunch. I’ve never been to a club. Or a gig. Or even a proper house party. I’ve never smoked a joint or had a drunken snog or even been up all night. I’ve never had fun as an adult. And now, when I’m finally fit enough to do so, I don’t know how to. And I don’t have anyone to do it with.

He takes a swig from his pint and braces himself.

MARK (CONT'D)
And I was kind of hoping that you guys might be able to help me. I mean, I feel ridiculous, it's like I’m asking you to be my friend but I figured, with your big nights out, you seem as if you’re pretty good at having fun. So I was wondering if, in the week or so I’m here you might be able to teach me. Nothing too advanced. Just some basic fun.

Toby doesn’t know what to say. Lois does.

LOIS
Yes! Absolutely!

Toby looks at Lois, surprised by this mass enthusiasm.

MARK
Really?

LOIS
Of course! It’s a great idea.

MARK
Are you sure I wouldn’t cramp your style?

LOIS
No!

TOBY
We really have very little style.

LOIS
It would be an honour to show you this city.

TOBY
And what style we do have we keep in open space where it can’t get cramped.

LOIS
We’re going to give you the ultimate guide to having fun.

TOBY
So to be honest, you could be a giant huge fattypuff and you still wouldn’t cramp our style.

LOIS
Right so let’s start planning. What do you want to do first?

MARK
I don’t know, maybe a club?

LOIS
Right what kind of club? R’n’B, Drum’n’Bass, Indie. Or maybe you mean a different type like a pool club? Or a gentleman’s club? I’m probably not the best person to help with you that one. But it’s OK, I’m not judging.

MARK
(slightly overwhelmed)
Maybe it would better to start with a party?

LOIS
Good idea. Which do you fancy: house party, warehouse party, fancy dress party...

Lois is so excited she gets her notepad and starts writing stuff down.

TOBY
Mark, do you want another pint?

MARK
Yeah. I think I’m getting a bit pissed though.

TOBY
Well in that case you’re definitely getting another. Lois?

LOIS
White wine please?

TOBY
Could you give me a hand?

LOIS
Can’t you do that three glass triangle thing?

TOBY
No.

Toby has to more or less drag Lois before she realises she needs to come.

INT. PUB BAR-NIGHT
Toby and Lois get to the bar where there’s enough space for Toby to squeeze into a space with Lois behind him. Toby looks to try and catch someone’s eye as he speaks.

TOBY
When you said I was fun yesterday, did you mean I was deeply scary.

LOIS
I wasn’t scaring him, I was exciting him.

TOBY
Really?

LOIS
Yes. Imgaine it. Clubs, parties, cabarets, flashmobs, everything, all new, all fresh. Who wouldn’t be excited?

TOBY
I wouldn’t be.

LOIS
But you’re boring.

TOBY
Yesterday you said I was fun.

LOIS
Yesterday, you’d just got dumped by your girlfriend and you were giving me the full sad puppy face.

Toby turns around. He has said face on.

LOIS (CONT'D)
Yes, exactly. How can I be honest to that face? No, of course you’re not boring. You’re just, I’m not sure your idea of fun is what he needs right now.

TOBY
My idea of fun, is having fun. It’s not going to a bunch of places which Time Out have told you are hip and happening. It’s not thinking that if you go somewhere trendy you’re automatically having a good time. It’s not planning out ‘how to have fun’. It’s relaxing, going with the flow, being yourself and just having a good time.

LOIS
That doesn’t sound like fun.

Barman comes up to them.

BARMAN
Can I get you anything?

TOBY
You’re a motivational speaker and you’re complaining about me giving out platitudes.

LOIS
I’m not a motivational speaker, I’m a creativity consultant.

BARMAN
I could come back later.

TOBY
You’re someone who loves making plans, who loves creating lists and loves to know what’s trendy.
(to the Barman)
Two pints of Stella and a glass of white wine.
(back to Lois)
That’s not the same as being fun.

LOIS
You really think you know better than me how to have fun?

TOBY
I think there are lots of fun things, Mark won’t do if you have your way.

LOIS
Like what?

TOBY
Like...

Toby’s struggling when the barman comes up to them with the drinks.

BARMAN
That will be £12.30 please.

MARK (O.S.)
It’s my round.

They look round to see Mark. Neither of them are sure how long he’s been there.

TOBY
No don’t be silly. I’ve got this.

MARK
Please. I’ve never been able to say this before in my life. It’s quite exciting.
(to the barman)
It’s my round.

He hands the barman a £20 note. Toby watches a broad smile comes across Mark’s face as he does this.

TOBY
Mark, have you ever played a pub quiz machine?

Mark smiles.

MARK
No.

INT. PUB-LATER
Mark, Lois and Toby are gathered around the quiz machine. They’re very excited about how well they’re doing. The new question comes up and almost instantly Mark is on it.

MARK
Lake Baikal.

He hits the correct button.

TOBY
Come on!

LOIS
I swear he gets the answer before I can even read the question.

Toby is ringing his phone as he looks at the next answer. Seb answers.

INT. ESTATE-DAY
Seb is with a bunch of teenagers who are practicing their parkour. Seb is queuing up to do a jump. It’s not that hard but it requires concentration.

SEB
Hello.

TOBY
Seb, you’re not going to believe this. We’re nearly at £20 on Deal or No Deal!

Seb stops in his tracks.

SEB
(outraged)
What? What are you doing playing Deal or No Deal without me?

INT. PUB- DAY

MARK
Sodium.

LOIS
Oh my god.

She hugs him. Marks doesn’t know how to react.

TOBY
It’s Mark. He’s unbelievable.

EXT. ESTATE-DAY
Seb stops what he’s doing and ushers the other jumpers to the ledge ahead of him.

SEB
Hold on! Hold on! I need to be part of this. Read out the questions! I’m playing!

INT. PUB- DAY

MARK
Capybara.

LOIS
How do you know all this?

MARK
This is what happens when you never go out.

EXT. ESTATE-DAY
Seb is the last one left to do jump.

SEB
Seriously, read out the questions, man. I’m part of this.

BOY
Seb, are you going to jump or what?

SEB
In a minute.

BOY
Catch us up yeah. You know how to do the jump.

SEB
Of course. Of course.
(down the phone)
Seriously, read out the questions.

The boys bounce off.

INT. PUB- DAY
The three of them are huddled around the machine arms across each others shoulders.

LOIS
OK. This is the last question. Ready?

They all nod.

LOIS (CONT'D)
What year was the queen born?

Mark was about to hit an answer but then he stops. He has no idea.

MARK
I was brought up a Republican.

LOIS
Toby?

TOBY
Seb. This is to win it. What year was the Queen born 1924, 1925 or 1926?

EXT. ESTATE-DAY
Seb walks up to the ledge.

SEB
It’s always the first one with dates. Trust me. 1924. It’s a definite.

TOBY
Are you sure?

SEB
As sure as I am that I can do this jump. In fact I’m going to do both together. Ready? On 3, press 1924. 1,2,3.

He jumps.

INT. PUB- DAY
They press 1924. It’s the wrong answer.

LOIS
No! Fuck!

MARK
(mortified)
I’m sorry.

Lois hugs him. Mark is a bit uncomfortable with this much physical touching. Lois backs off.

LOIS
Don’t be ridiculous! You were amazing. Who knew a quiz could be fun?

TOBY
(on the phone)
Seb? Seb? Are you there?

EXT. ESTATE-DAY
We see the area Seb was meant to jump to. He’s not there.

INT. PUB- DAY
Toby looks at his phone to check reception.

TOBY
He’s such a bad loser.
(to Lois and Mark)
I’m sorry but did Lois just say a quiz is fun?

LOIS
Exception that proves the rule.

TOBY
You see Mark, this is what you need to understand. Lois thinks that when you say you want to learn to have fun, what you’re asking for is some bells and whistles programme consisting of heavily planned trips to cool clubs, trendy parties and random happenings where before you can set foot outside the door you need to think carefully about what you’re wearing, what you’re going to do, how you’re going to act. But I reckon what you want is just a more relaxed introduction to the things people do to chill out: the pub, the quiz machine, the football match. No planning, don’t think too hard about it, just go out there and have a good time. So which do you want?

Mark looks from Toby to Lois and back to Toby. He looks as if he’s been asked make Sophie’s choice.

MARK
Can we do both?

Toby and Lois look at each other. Both a little disappointed he didn’t pick them.

LOIS
You mean take it in turns?

MARK
Well, yeah. They both sound fun.

TOBY
And then at the end you can decide which one is actually more fun?

MARK
(joking)
Sure, I’ll score everything out of 10 and see which wins.

Lois and Toby both nod. They’re satisfied with this.

LOIS
Done. We’ll do 7 each and then see who’s got the most points.

Lois and Toby shake. Mark looks at them, not sure if he should explain to them that he was joking.

TOBY
So who’s going to go first?

Lois takes a beermat and hands it to Mark.

LOIS
That side is me. The other is Toby.

Mark looks extremely nervous and tries to flip it but it doesn’t work and just flops. He tries again. Same reaction.

MARK
Shall I do eenie, meenie, miney moh?

This has slightly taken the wind of the sails but Mark diligently goes through it. Halfway through the count he loses count and is about to start again.

TOBY
Don’t bother. You started with me, Lois will win it.

MARK
How do you know?

TOBY
I’m a primary school teacher.

LOIS
(pleased with having won)
Alright. Next Friday, get ready.